Being An Empath. A Gift or a Curse?
Last year, I discovered the term Empath. I knew immdiately I had found a perfect term to describe myself. In fact, I was talking to someone who was going through some hard times as well, and most of them were because of things OTHER people were suffering through. Fast forward to more recently: a very good friend of mine sent me an article about empaths & narcissists. I about fell over because it was the exact article I shared with the friend LAST year, when describing to him that he was an empath like me.
Anyhow, recently we have been talking about this subject on and off... and we both are going through some tough things right now. I've tried to describe to others what it's like. There has to be a balance somewhere. I wouldn't want to change who I am. I think being an Empath in a way is a great thing. However, how do we protect ourselves from soaking up everyone's negative? How do we take care of ourselves first? I began that quest in 2011 after my step-mom passed away and my mom was diagnosed with cancer. I began taking care of myself physically... because I realized I had to take care of myself or else I wouldn't have anything left to give others. (Hence my 2 year journey to health, where I took control of my life and got into nutrition, exercising, and lost weight) Noone understands though it seems, unless you, yourself are an Empath.
I tried to find the best description of an Empath to put on here, because I can't ever seem to find the right words. Click here to see under the About Me section, more about what an Empath is exactly. What Is An Empath?
Even worse, Empaths are notoroious for being drawn to Narcisists. Just 3 months ago, an ex from a long time ago reached out to me (one that I can say did not abuse me, and we remained friends and touch base once in a while); and we began discussing some things. He has a background in psychology, and he pointed out to me that he has some sociopathic tendencies so he can see them in others, and went on to point out things to me. I still find it funny how he could easily spot what others don't. I see it and recognize it myself actually. I KNOW I am drawn to narcissists. I just take too long to see them, because they are too good at disguising themselves, and often times suffer from low self-esteem etc. which makes me feel like I can fix that in them. I have hard time understanding people who cannot love at the same intensity or love as unconditionally as me. I'm an Empath. I'm naturally drawn to them. How can I be self-aware that I'm an empath and tend to let myself be drained by people, when I also suffer from the double edged sword of thinking I can fix people and also see the best in people.. Being so empathetic that I make excuses for their actions or buying into their excuses. How do I learn to spot it early-on enough, before I become emotionally attached??
There are many, many articles out there talking in depth about this strange phenomenon. Seriously, read for yourself. I could go on putting links for days. This is absolutely the truth.
The last one I listed has something I think I should point out something important it hits on at the beginning of it. A little background... With the current stuff going on, I have had a bajillion tests done. One of them had narcissistic listed, I had to laugh. If only they knew that was the opposite of my problem. One of my counselors' said I'm more of a I've lived my life for everyone except myself... The article quotes something... which is I think part of the problem of what has happened recently in my life. I struggled with understanding why people who didn't know me could even think I was selfish. Did they not see most of the tears I cried was because of the pain of others? Did they not see I had given up my life in Florida to come back to a place I didn't like- because my Mom was scared and I couldn't bare to let her go home without me there to help her through her illness, and not let her experience getting to be a Grandma? I was a victim and couldn't figure out how to escape the emotions surrounding it, therefore in a Victim's Stance; which appears narcissistic. However, I've stopped, regrouped, and mustered up the courage to stop being a victim, and that is the key. That's the point. I'm not playing the victim, I was a victim, and now I've stood up for myself. Something others now see as "playing the victim", lol. Oh, the irony. Anyhow, the article says:
"Empaths are confused by this relationship because the narcissist tends to mimic an Empath, and before the Empath knows it, the Empath is ensnared in a relationship she thought was real and equal and now cannot find a way out. What has happened, and why is this relationship so draining?
It’s important to realize that all people when their wounds are triggered have a tendency to become narcissistic. We focus on our pain and our emotions, becoming self-absorbed and less aware of the effect our actions and words have on the people around us. What this means is that Empaths can be narcissists, too. However, once we get out of a Victim stance and we start taking responsibility for our emotional state, we tend to behave narcissistically less often. We have grown ourselves out of the trap of the narcissist. What is this trap?"
I read an article this morning and I felt like I was literally reading my life on paper. I literally felt like the words were pouring out of me instead of her. It was emotional for me to even read.
I guess my point is... is being an Empath a blessing or a curse? I think it's a blessing. I truly do. I truly find joy and satisfaction in life by helping others, fixing things, etc. I have done well professionally because I am genuine, honest, and am always looking out for what is best for people as a whole and I can read others emotions well. I can communicate things well. I don't know if I was born an Empath, but I can say that my life certainly shaped me into who I am. It's just taking that, and being able to use it positively, without having all of your energy drained out of you... that's the key. How do we find that balance as an Empath? How do we learn to spot a Narcissist early enough? Once we know that we are with one, how do we step back and away from that feeling of wanting to help them, make them feel good about themselves? We are naturally givers, they are naturally takers... That's the things my friend and I have been discussing a lot.
Perhaps my friend and I can find out the solution to this. If we do, I'll let you know. I have became good at it when it comes to friendships. I know now how to step back and just distance myself once I spot a narcissist. It's why I have such deep friendships with a select group of people. I trust them, and know they are just taking; and they know that I too am not. We give and take, as life throws its' curveballs at us. We stand by each other, and stand up for each other, and help each other as the other sees fit.
I think emotions now a days are seen as a negative thing, and that's not right. What happens is we end up having a bunch of people walking around with bottled up anger, resentment, pain, etc. I think being empathetic, sympathetic, kind, non-judgemental, open-minded, and independent are some of the most important things in the world to teach children. I strive each day to recognize my girls feelings; teach them to express emotion and how to do it in a healthy way; and how to be kind. Independence, well.... they are their Mother's daughter. They are both dominant, lol. When someone asks who is the dominant one? I say, it depends on the moment. They even express their dominance in different ways. Identical twins... what a unique and awesome experience. That's another topic I'll talk about one day.
So, we live and learn... More importantly we learn to love ourselves and know ourselves... so that we can learn to navigate life with more peace and more positive energy. This allows us to be able to give others, what they need. In this case, it's so that my daughters don't grow up like I did in a home waking up to hearing fighting. If it's just us 3 amigos, then I would be perfectly content. I haven't had very many positive relationship experiences, nor did my Mom... so I'm not one who needs a man to be happy. However, I don't rule out that someone good out there exists. I just need to concentrate on protecting myself in the future, so that in turn my children are also protected. I'm working on things about myself. And yes, my decisions impact more than myself. Sometimes decisions are made with the best intentions, and they end up being the wrong decision. So, I learn from my mistakes, and press on.
From the article "Sleeping With The Enemy" above:
"The person on the other end of the phone tells you to watch a movie. Over and over again.
Sleeping With The Enemy.
You turn the television on.Slow and very small steps, but the most important ones you will ever take.
You watch and you learn.
You take more steps. You regain a little confidence. You regain your independence. You regain a little strength.
All the time you are living in fear.
You sleep with the enemy.
You know no other way.
Until one day. You find the strength and courage and you run. You don’t look back.
And for the longest time you will never understand why you continued sleeping with the enemy.
And then one day it just clicks.
And that’s when you know no other person will ever be able to show you a false and vicious face of love.
Because, you learned what true love feels like when you finally learned what it feels like to love yourself.
No one will ever taunt you with their demons or have the power to destroy you again.
No one."
Ani DiFranco - "32 Flavors"
"Squint your eyes and look closer
I'm not between you and your ambition
I am a poster girl with no poster
I am thirty-two flavors and then some
And I'm beyond your peripheral vision
So you might want to turn your head
'Cause someday you're going to get hungry
And eat most of the words you just said
Both my parents taught me about good will
And I have done well by their names
Just the kindness I've lavished on strangers
Is more than I can explain
Still there's many who've turned out their porch lights
Just so I would think they were not home
And hid in the dark of their windows
Till I'd passed and left them alone
And god help you if you are an ugly girl
Course too pretty is also your doom
'Cause everyone harbors a secret hatred
For the prettiest girl in the room
And god help you if you are a phoenix
And you dare to rise up from the ash
A thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy
While you are just flying past
I'm not trying to give my life meaning
By demeaning you
And I would like to state for the record
I did everything that I could do
I'm not saying that I'm a saint
I just don't want to live that way
No, I will never be a saint
But I will always say
Squint your eyes and look closer
I'm not between you and your ambition
I am a poster girl with no poster
I am thirty-two flavors and then some
And I'm beyond your peripheral vision
So you might want to turn your head
'Cause someday you might find you're starving
And eating all of the words you said"