And It's Been Here, Silent All These Years
I've taken a while to work up the strength to touch on this topic and talk about this... I knew everytime I sat down to begin to type about it that I would barely be able to see the screen as I type.
Domestic Violence. Particularly growing up with domestic violence.
I get tired of hearing about how I am playing a victim. I am not here to do that. I absolutely am a victim of domestic violence in my childhood. However, the difference is, I don't let it hinder my life. I didn't let it stop me from growing into a successful young woman. It absolutely did affect my outlook on the world, and it absolutely DID help shape who I am today, but it does not DEFINE who I am today. Someone is a victim of something, and then how they cope with that and continue their life doesn't mean they are looking for sympathy. In fact, the most I want is to raise awareness, prevent it in my life, and maybe some day be able to help women break the cycle they are stuck in.
Recently there was a "HOAX phone call about a hostage situation nearby, in which it was reported even by the news and law enforcement that a mother had been shot, and the children were being held hostage by the father." Yes, I said Hoax. For the first time in quite a while I actually typed something on a public forum simply the address how disgusting it was that someone would do that as a hoax, and even more disturbing to those of us who have had to live through it as either a child or adult (or both) that know how much more seriously domestic violence needs to be taken. With all of our gun hugging, old fashioned "men run the show" type of people particularly in this area; domestic violence is an issue which has to be addressed.
I think everyone can agree there are some major drug problems in this area, right? Well, I'd like to talk to those on drugs and see how many might have had some very traumatic childhoods. I know that one of my siblings has suffered from substance abuse in the past on and off, and he unfortunately was the one who was abused more than any of the others including myself. We were both degraded, put down, and were there to experience the entire thing. More aware of everything being said and done. Domestic Violence AFFECTS children. Do not fool yourself into thinking it doesn't. They are just all affected in different ways.
Domestic Violence is not just physical, it comes in all varieties. Physical, Sexual, Emotional, Control.... and there is a pattern it typically follows. Usually the abuser then "apologizes and promises to change" and even becomes this "nice person" for a while, until the next time happens. What happens eventually, is their true colors eventually shine through, and the "nice person" period becomes almost non-existent and the abuse is almost constant. Unfortunately, I have lived and breathed that life since the 3rd grade. I can speak first hand about what it's like to go through as a child, as a teenager, and as an adult.... but today I'm going to talk about what it's like as a child who grew up in an abusive home...
I love my mother. She was my entire world. Nothing and noone could ever change that. However, our roles were somewhat reversed. I don't have anger towards her about it, because I KNOW how hard she tried to get out of the situations. I also know what it is like to be the type of person who sees the good in people. Mom loved unconditionally. Love is supposed to be unconditional...but what if the other person doesn't love you in that manner? What if you suffer from low self-esteem, and along comes someone that treats you exactly how you should be? And then they get mad once... and because you are empathetic and forgiving you accept it as a mistake. And then, they get mad more often... and you begin to beg them to stop being so mean... asking them and yourself what happened to the person you fell in love with? By then, the cycle of domestic violence has already began. It happens before you even realize it. Often times someone is dependent on the abusive partner and their self esteem is so beaten down that they think they can't even make it without the other person, or they are threatened that they will not be ALLOWED to make it without the other person.
My mom called the cops, I called the cops, she left and then went back... and no matter what, somehow, it got worse and worse. It got to the point that if the police got involved, it was almost a worse situation because we knew that all of us would pay. Then what do you do? Well, if you were me, instead you would take your brothers hands and walk them to a neighbors or your grandparents house so you could try to sleep a little for school the next day. Or sometimes, you would try to shove him off of your Mom crying for him to stop it. Sometimes you would even stand in front of her while he held a knife up crying for her to run, and wanting to save her life by risking yours.
Some of the most vivid memories I have are things like Mom always having to be wearing tall heels and a skirt with dinner almost done when he (#1) came home from work. I remember him walking around outside with his gun talking really loudly to himself and crying myself to sleep scared and embarrassed because I knew neighbors could hear him. I remember the phone call I got when I was at Don & Sonja's for the weekend and Mom was in the hospital for a miscarriage caused by a domestic dispute. I remember laying there wide awake listening for hours to make sure she was safe and then going in to school on no sleep. I remember him complaining to us kids everything he hated about her and how worthless she was, and then how worthless we were. I remember having to walk across the street to Dr. Hamilton's yard to the beautiful rose bushes we played around for him to pick out the sharpest one to spank me with when he was mad. I remember my mother not being allowed to come visit me in college because I spoke out against him, and so she became isolated from the family the more we encouraged her to leave. Most of all, I remember the day she showed up in Florida with the boys and all she had was trash bags in the trunk of clothes. She left everything behind, and left. It took her 14 years. (I won't even touch on the other man)
How does a life like this affect a child? Well, the severity of what I went through for one I think desensitized me. It took me a long time to realize I was too in a cycle. However, unlike my mother, once I realized it, despite the threats and being prisoner of my home, I left and NEVER went back. Why? Because I promised my mom when she was dying I'd provide my girls with a peaceful life. I'd find the happiness she had always searched for... and that happiness I've learned does not come from other people. It comes from within yourself. If there are two things in this world I could thank my mother for, it would be for teaching me to have a kind heart; and second, to have courage. She showed tremendous courage during her battle with cancer. She knew she relied on me and I too acknowledged it. I didn't have too much of a chance to be a kid. That's ok. I've came to peace with that a long time ago. What I do with that is what counts. I've learned you shouldn't give kids big people problems; that I CAN be happy with myself and not need self-validation from a man; and that I will do everything I can to make sure my girls don't experience what I did and get to truly enjoy their childhood. The time when you don't know about the dark parts of this world, and you get to just play and use your imagination and feel loved by those around you.
Noone is perfect. I'm certainly not. I suffer from insecurities, trust issues, anxiety, OCD because my life was out of control growing up I like to control little things, etc. Even those things I constantly work on. I don't see myself as having no faults. In fact, it's quite the opposite. I just don't sit around and pick myself apart because that isn't healthy. I try to overcome my insecurities, and when I make a mistake I learn from it and keep pressing on. All 5 of us kids have been affected in different ways by our lives. It depends on our brain chemistry; our personalities; what age these different things happened... but I hope that what I share will ring true to some people. Know that life is full of ups and downs. Some things are in your control, and some things are out of your control. However, if you are in a home with domestic violence. Please, seek help. Help IS out there. My mother left with the help of a local domestic violence shelter, and then I took her and the kids in. Life is short. Sometimes it's VERY short. Don't sit around and wait for the right time to come, because that time may never come. We don't know when our day will be our last... and most importantly, you don't know what sort of impact you can make for the people who love you and hurt by watching you be hurt.
I found a journal I kept during middle school... and I'm just going to share a few pages of it... then I want to share a journal entry I have of one of my siblings.. and then I want to share some stuff from my mother. We ALL were affected in that household. How we dealt with it was different. The oldest of us 5 were the most abused. (myself and next younger brother). How did my Mom deal with it? My mother, who had a smile for everyone. Who was nice to everyone both to their face AND behind their back. She was genuinely nice. Her smile was even genuine, because she found joy in people. Like me, she was social. Imagine what strength it took to endure what she did at home, and then turn around and be the nice person she was, let alone just put a smile on her face. Imagine living like this, getting free, and then finding out you have terminal cancer... and STILL having a smile on your face. She was strong, but I'm going to be even stronger and make her proud because I will never live that way or have the girls live that way.
So, to the judgemental asshole (yes, I said it because I deserve to) that laughed when I spoke out against domestic violence... who said "they snicker because they can't take anything I say seriously".... to you I say: I'd rather be judged than be the one being JUDGEMENTAL. I'd rather be the person who is trying to lead a happy life, and dealing with problems of my own as they come than be the person who is sitting around judging others just so I can feel better about myself. I remember how upset I used to be when I would hear people gossiping about my mother. Noone knew what went on in my home. Who were they to judge?
I believe Bob Marley has some words of wisdom for some of those people...
“Judge not unless you judge yourself”
“Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not perfect,-and I don't live to be. But before you start pointing fingers...make sure you hands are clean!”
“The greatness of a man is not in how much wealth he acquires, but in his integrity and his ability to affect those around him positively”
“Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don't complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don't bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality. Wake Up and Live!”
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A Brother's Pain & Anger...
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Insight of What Went On Behind Closed Doors.... Mom's Account
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Have the Courage to Get Out!
These relationships are toxic for everyone! The good does not outweigh the bad. You deserve resepect. You deserve peace. Find happiness with yourself, and you will see you don't need someone else to be happy.
Tori Amos - "Silent All These Years"
"Excuse me, but can I be you for a while?
My dog won't bite if you sit real still
I got the anti-Christ in the kitchen yellin' at me again
Yeah, I can hear that
Been saved again by the garbage truck
I got something to say you know but nothing comes
Yes I know what you think of me you never shut up
Yeah I can hear that
But what if I'm a mermaid?
In these jeans of his with her name still on it
Hey, but I don't care
'Cause sometimes
I said sometimes
I hear my voice
And it's been here
Silent all these years
So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts
What's so amazing about really deep thoughts?
Boy, you best pray that I bleed real soon
How's that thought for you?
My scream got lost in a paper cup
You think there's a heaven where
Some screams have gone?
I got 25 bucks and a cracker
Do you think it's enough to get us there?
'Cause what if I'm a mermaid?
In these jeans of his with her name still on it
Hey, but I don't care
'Cause sometimes
I said sometimes
I hear my voice
And it's been here
Silent all these...
Years go by
Will I still be waiting
For somebody else to understand?
Years go by
If I'm stripped of my beauty
And the orange clouds raining in my head
Years go by
Will I choke on my tears
Till finally there is nothing left?
One more casualty
You know we're too easy, easy, easy
Well, I love the way we communicate
Your eyes focus on my funny lip shape
Let's hear what you think of me now
But baby don't look up
The sky is falling
Your mother shows up in a nasty dress
And it's your turn now to stand where I stand
Everybody lookin' at you
Here, take hold of my hand
Yeah, I can hear them
But what if I'm a mermaid?
In these jeans of yours with her name still on it
Hey, but I don't care
'Cause sometimes
I said sometimes
I hear my voice
I hear my voice
I hear my voice
And it's been here
Silent all these years
I've been here
Silent all these years
Silent all these
Silent all these years..."
Eminem "Love the Way You Lie"
"Just gonna stand there and watch me burn But that's alright, because I like the way it hurts Just gonna stand there and hear me cry But that's alright, because I love the way you lie I love the way you lie I can't tell you what it really is I can only tell you what it feels like And right now there's a steel knife, in my windpipe I can't breathe, but I still fight, while I can fight As long as the wrong feels right, it's like I'm in flight High off of love drunk from my hate It's like I'm huffing paint and I love it the more that I suffer I suffocate and right before I'm about to drown She resuscitates me, she fucking hates me, And I love it, wait Where you going, I'm leaving you No you ain't, come back We're running right back, here we go again It's so insane 'cause when it's going good, it's going great I'm Superman, with the wind at his back, she's Lois Lane But when it's bad, it's awful I feel so ashamed, I snapped, who's that dude I don't even know his name, I laid hands on her I'll never stoop so low again, I guess I don't know my own strength Just gonna stand there and watch me burn But that's alright, because I like the way it hurts Just gonna stand there and hear me cry But that's alright, because I love the way you lie I love the way you lie I love the way you lie You ever love somebody so much You can barely breathe, when you're with them, you meet And neither one of you, even know what hit 'em, Got that warm fuzzy feeling, yeah them chills, used to get 'em Now you're getting fucking sick, of looking at 'em You swore you've never hit 'em, never do nothing to hurt 'em, Now you're in each others face, Spewing venom, and these words, when you spit 'em You push, pull each other's hair, scratch, claw, bit 'em, Throw 'em down, pin 'em, so lost in the moments, when you're in 'em It's the rage that's the culprit, it controls you both So they say it's best, to go your separate ways, Guess that they don't know ya 'cause today, that was yesterday Yesterday is over, it's a different day Sound like broken records, playin' over, but you promised her Next time you'll show restraint You don't get another chance, Life is no Nintendo game, but you lied again Now you get to watch her leave, Out the window, guess that's why they call it window pane Just gonna stand there and watch me burn But that's alright, because I like the way it hurts Just gonna stand there and hear me cry But that's alright, because I love the way you lie I love the way you lie I love the way you lie Now I know we said things, did things That we didn't mean and we fall back into the same patterns Same routine, but your temper's just as bad, as mine is You're the same as me, but when it comes to love, you're just as blinded Baby please come back, it wasn't you, Baby it was me, maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems Maybe that's what happens When a tornado meets a volcano All I know is I love you too much, to walk away now Come inside, pick up your bags off the sidewalk Don't you hear sincerity, in my voice when I talk, Told you this is my fault, look me in the eyeball Next time I'm pissed, I'll aim my fist at the dry wall Next time, there will be no next time I apologize even though I know it's lies I'm tired of the games, I just want her back, I know I'm a liar If she ever tries to fucking leave again I'm a tie her to the bed and set this house on fire Just gonna stand there and watch me burn But that's alright, because I like the way it hurts Just gonna stand there and hear me cry But that's alright, because I love the way you lie I love the way you lie I love the way you lie"
Skylar Grey ft. Eminem "Love the Way You Lie Pt 2"
"On the first page of our story The future seemed so bright Then this thing turned out so evil I don't know why I'm still surprised Even angels have their wicked schemes And you take that to new extremes But you'll always be my hero Even though you've lost your mind [Chorus] Just gonna stand there and watch me burn But that's all right because I like the way it hurts Just gonna stand there and hear me cry But that's all right because I love the way you lie I love the way you lie Oh, I love the way you lie Now there's gravel in our voices Glass is shattered from the fight In this tug of war, you'll always win Even when I'm right 'Cause you feed me fables from your hand With violent words and empty threats And it's sick that all these battles Are what keeps me satisfied [Chorus] So maybe I'm a masochist I try to run but I don't wanna ever leave Til the walls are goin' up In smoke with all our memories This morning, you wake, a sun ray hits your face Smeared makeup as we lay in the wake of destruction Hush baby, speak softly, tell me I'll be sorry That you pushed me into the coffee table last night So I can push you off me Try and touch me so I can scream at you not to touch me Run out the room and I'll follow you like a lost puppy Baby, without you, I'm nothing, I'm so lost, hug me Then tell me how ugly I am, but that you'll always love me Then after that, shove me, in the aftermath of the Destructive path that we're on, two psychopaths but we Know that no matter how many knives we put in each other's backs That we'll have each others backs, 'cause we're that lucky Together, we move mountains, let's not make mountains out of molehills, You hit me twice, yeah, but who's countin'? I may have hit you three times, I'm startin' to lose count But together, we'll live forever, we found the youth fountain Our love is crazy, we're nuts, but I refused counselin' This house is too huge, if you move out I'll burn all two thousand Square feet of it to the ground, ain't shit you can do about it With you I'm in my fuckin' mind, without you, I'm out it Just gonna stand there and watch me burn But that's all right because I like the way it hurts Just gonna stand there and hear me cry But that's all right because I love the way you lie I love the way you lie Love the way you lie Love the way you lie Love the way you lie"
Ani Difranco "Gravel"
"I heard the sound of your bike As your wheels hit the gravel And your engine in the driveway, cutting off I pushed through the screen door And I stood out on the porch Thinking fight, fight, fight, at all costs But instead I let you in Just like I've always done I sat you down and offered you a beer And across the kitchen table I fired several rounds But you were still sitting there when the smoke cleared You came crawling back to say That you want to make good in the end Oh, let me count the ways that I abhore you You were never a good lay And you never were a good friend But oh, what can I say, I adore you All I need is my leather One t-shirt and two socks I'll keep my hands warm in your pockets And you can use the engine blocks We'll ride out to California With my arms around your chest And I'll pretend this is real 'cause this is what I like best You've been juggling two women Like a stupid circus clown Telling us both we are the one And maybe you can keep me From ever being happy But you're not going to stop me From having fun So let's go, before I change my mind I'll leave the luggage of all your lies behind 'cause I am bigger than everything that came before You were never very kind And you let me way down every time But oh, what can I say, I adore you"