Just Another Day In Paradise
Well, I layed down to go to bed at 7pm... but I'm still awake. This is a typical Saturday night for me. I'm emotionally drained. I mean... I have been for a long time now... but today especially. Yesterday was a dismissal hearing for my lawsuit for a few of the people named in it who filed a motion to dismiss. Tomorrow is going to be a small memorial service at my mom's gravesite, where the stone was just laid a week ago. My mom had a kind heart... and she was loved by many... and I come from an area where the average class size is something like 85 to 105 if it's a big class. lol. Her class secretly got together and raised the money to put a stone down for her.... it makes me cry every time I even think of it. It made me absolutely sick everytime I went, and she had nothing to mark her grave. We couldn't afford it right now. This has been a hard time financially for the family. (and other ways obviously) So it just touches my heart, and I think of how special Mom really is to of had so many people care about her enough to do this. It means so much to me. Here is the stone:
About the other topic...I'm not here to talk about the decisions made in court; but rather the decisions by me to drop 6 of the people named in the lawsuit.
Attorney Bill Merriman & the "five women from the finance department" referred to me as my 5 friends/employees.
The news didn't show much of what I said regarding dropping the suit against Bill. So, I wanted to just say it here.
I have a pretty good gut instinct/intution... ability to read people. I had not served Bill, and I hadn't served two of the women, however, I had 3 of them served but with reluctance. I was told by Harold they played a huge part in this, but then if I step back and look at the BIIIIGGGG picture... it never made sense. First, one of the biggest problems (as in a constant) is that he is a pathological liar. Lies came easier to him than truth. I don't care if it was something as stupid as "what are you doing now"...
This is something I came to myself... because I don't really have anyone anyways that I talk to about these things... but I truly believe Bill Merriman, like myself, was made to look like he was involved in the dissemenation, but was not. First, I started looking at some of the stuff Harold had said to me over the few months leading up to it and just after it happened... some of the stuff didn't add up at all. I actually feel bad that he got brought into this in the same way I did. Blamed for dissemenating a disk we had nothing to do with... I respect Bill for protecting the underdogs. The people who might not have a voice. I actually respect that he stood up and protected the 5 women. I didn't used to, until seeing how bad the politics got, and I realized you know what? Their privacy was invaded too by Harold doing that. I cared about them, and I'm glad he was there for them. I also believe from everything I have, the conversations I've had and seen.. Harold I believe wasn't honest with him in his representation. I'm sorry, but you can't hide behind others. You can for so long..then someone is going to start to catch the holes in your stories.
So, a week before this hearing I saw him downtown in person for the first time... and anyone who knows me, or has read much, knows I am very perceptive. I'm an empath as well. What struck me, is that he looked kind. And so, I decided to listen to my gut, and I sent him a letter saying I believe he was lied about to make look like he was guilty, and he hadn't been served, and that I wanted to dismiss him from my lawsuit.
I also came to the same conclusion regarding my 5 employees/best friends. I was told lies and pieces of things and told multiple times things by a few people implicating them... but I felt in my heart, I felt in my gut all along, they didn't help do something malicious to hurt me.
So that is that. I'm sure I'll be called naive, or dumb, or too nice... but I'm just me. I'm a person that doesn't judge. I take all the facts in and I try to understand a situation... and I try to understand someone's thinking... (Over analyze might be the right description) and most of all I trust my gut. I follow my heart. I try to do what is right. No matter who, where, what... I try my best to do what is right, and I try to be a good person. And there is a fine balance between moving on from this, but also protecting my girls going forward from what has happened. In order to move on though, there is a certain level of courage I have had to have to stand up for what is right. And so, I'm trying my best, to move on, but also not just lay down and play dead. Because I'm not going to be a victim. I will overcome this.
I used to love coming back to WV to visit when I lived in Florida. I missed the seasons. I missed my family. I missed the "small town" feel to an extent (enough to want to feel it short term, lol for a visit). I missed WVU football.... so I came home to see the autumn leaves. I made it home to at a minimum 1 home WVU game a season. I made it home for Christmas. I was proud to say I was from West Virginia... Now, I'm wondering if I'll ever see the beauty or have the attachment to my home as I once did. I hope so. But for now..... when I think of life here I think (insert sarcastic tone) "Just another day in paradise.."
So, that's where I draw my inspiration for my music tonight... Don't get me wrong. I am a Mountaineer. I am a West Virginian. I am just disappointed in some things that I feel like I was so blind to growing up here. So.... today was just another day in paradise...
Phil Collins "Another Day In Paradise"
"She calls out to the man on the street
'Sir, can you help me?
It's cold and I've nowhere to sleep,
Is there somewhere you can tell me?'
He walks on, doesn't look back
He pretends he can't hear her
Starts to whistle as he crosses the street
Seems embarrassed to be there
Oh think twice, it's another day for you and me in paradise
Oh think twice, 'cause it's just another day for you,
You and me in paradise, think about it
She calls out to the man on the street
He can see she's been crying
She's got blisters on the soles of her feet
She can't walk but she's trying
Oh think twice, 'cause it's another day for you and me in paradise
Oh think twice, it's just another day for you,
You and me in paradise, think about it
Oh Lord, is there nothing more anybody can do
Oh Lord, there must be something you can say
You can tell from the lines on her face
You can see that she's been there
Probably been moved on from every place
Cause she didn't fit in there
Oh think twice, 'cause another day for you and me in paradise
Oh think twice, it's just another day for you,
You and me in paradise, just think about it, think about it
It's just another day for you and me in paradise
It's just another day for you and me in paradise, paradise
It's just another day for you and me in paradise
It's just another day for you and me in paradise, paradise
It's just another day for you and me
It's just another day for you and me
It's just another day for you and me in paradise
In paradise"
REM "Losing My Religion"
"Oh, life is bigger
It's bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no, I've said too much
I set it up
That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no, I've said too much
I haven't said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought, I saw you try
Every whisper
Of every wakin' hour
I'm choosing my confessions
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt, lost and blinded fool, fool
Oh no, I've said too much
I set it up
Consider this, consider this
Hint of the century
Consider this, the slip
That brought me to my knees failed
What if all these fantasies
Come flailing around?
Now I've said too much
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought, I saw you try
But that was just a dream
That was just a dream
That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no, I've said too much
I haven't said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought, I saw you try
But that was just a dream
Try, cry, why try?
That was just a dream
Just a dream, just a dream
Dream"
Guns N Roses "November Rain"
(Axl Rose explains the lyrics.... in Orange)
""November Rain is a song about not wanting to be in a state of having to deal with unrequited love." - Axl Rose
This song is absolutely fabulous, and my favourite of all time. The emotional intensity of the lyrics combines beautifully with the soaring melodies to take the listener on a journey from despair into hope. I'll now offer my interpretation of the lyrics, which I feel is true to Axl's original intention.
As Axl says, the song is about unrequited love.
He is still very much in love with a woman, but she is no longer in love with him. He uses a metaphor to express how difficult it is to cope with unrequited love: "It's hard to hold a candle, in the cold November rain." Here, holding the candle stands for him trying to hold onto his love for her, while the cold November rain is the absence of her love. It is difficult to love someone who does not return the feeling. And inevitably, his love will also die, just as the candle will be extinguished by the rain. He does not want this to happen, but eventually it will, unless she can recover her love.So that's the central message.
I'll now do it fully, lyric by lyric
."When I look into your eye
I can see a love restrained"
- her love for him is no longer present, but he sees how it can be recovered. He feels that it is merely buried beneath the surface, so that she doesn't feel it. However, it is possible to unearth it once again, as it is still very much in existence.
"But darlin' when I hold you
Don't you know I feel the same" -
he is still in love with her, although she doesn't realise it. The use of "hold you" suggests the couple is still in a relationship, although they are simply going through the motions of one rather than actively participating. In theory they are both single, they just haven't officially broken up, but the love is gone.
''Cause nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change" -
he is hopeful that this absence of love will pass, and sees the potential for her to fall back in love - 'hearts can change'.
"And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain" -
this is the metaphor for unrequited love, which I explained above.
"We've been through this such a long long time
Just tryin' to kill the pain" -
the relationship is a long term one, and it is possibly a case of 'familiarity breeds contempt' in the case of the woman. The relationship has long since stagnated and both have found ways of coping with the pain this has caused, rather than trying to heal it.
"But lovers always come and lovers always go
An no one's really sure who's lettin' go today
Walking away" -
She has had several affairs in an attempt to find feelings of love outside of the stagnant relationship, but they are only temporary. Her deep, buried love for her partner is preventing her from leaving the relationship outright. These affairs have created confusion as it is difficult to separate the feelings of lust she feels for her lovers from what she feels for her partner and so neither of them know whether the next affair is the one that will end the relationship or whether the lover will be the one to walk away.
"If we could take the time to lay it on the line
I could rest my head
just knowin' that you were mine
All mine"
- if they were to actually stop and discuss the future of the relationship and make a final decision, it would put him out of his misery as he feels that she would choose to stay with him and end the affairs.
"So if you want to love me
then darlin' don't refrain
Or I'll just end up walkin'
in the cold November rain"-
If she has any love left for him he wants her to show him and let him know. Otherwise he'll remain in misery due to his love being unrequited. There is also a suggestion he might choose to leave the relationship - 'walking'. But if so, it will certainly be difficult to do so and he will suffer greatly.
"Do you need some time.. on your own
Do you need some time.. all alone
Everybody needs some time.. on their own
Don't you know you need some time.. all alone"-
a reminder that until we are happy within ourselves we cannot be happy within a relationship. He is suggesting that a personal problem is manifesting itself in her inability to maintain a relationship. He wants her to take the time to heal her inner problems, which in turn will enable her to acknowledge her love for him, thus healing the relationship.
"I know it's hard to keep an open heart
When even friends seem out to harm you"-
she has been hurt by those closest to her in the past and so she has closed herself off and will not allow herself to develop a strong relationship in case she gets hurt again. She has built a wall between herself and him.
"But if you could heal a broken heart
Wouldn't time be out to charm you"-
if she could heal herself and recover from the pain in her past, the future will be good, i.e. the relationship will be able to flourish.
"Sometimes I need some time.. on my own
Sometimes I need some time.. all alone
Everybody needs some time.. on their own
Don't you know you need some time.. all alone"-
He also needs to take a step back from the relationship, for his own well-being. We all need time to ourselves, one cannot exist solely through others. Our relationships do not define us. She has allowed herself to be defined by her relationships and so has been hurt more than others when the relationships have collapsed. She is now afraid to enter new relationships in attempt to avoid similar hurt in the future. He's telling her she has to take a step back and re-evaluate this, taking some time to herself.
"And when your fears subside
and shadows still remain"-
she must slowly take tentative steps back into the relationship, although it will be difficult at first. Gradually she will become more confident, although doubts will linger.
"I know that you can love me
when there's no one left to blame"-
once she has recovered from past hurts she will be able to rediscover her love for him. She must remove the wall she has built up as a result of pain others have caused her, i.e. 'when there's no one left to blame'. When she does this the love will blossom once more.
'So never mind the darkness
we still can find a way'-
although the absence of her love currently seems hopeless, (darkness is traditionally a symbol of hopelessness. November is a dark, wintry month and rain cloud is heavy, overcast and dull. As previously mentioned, the November rain is a metaphor for the absence of her love.) he sees a way out, back to a loving relationship.
"'Cause nothin' lasts forever
even cold November rain"-
now he inverts the previous metaphor into one of hope. Just as earlier he said that love doesn't last forever, now he reminds us that if love doesn't last forever, neither does the absence of love. This unrequited love will pass and the relationship will flourish once more. There is hope.
*Here the music changes completely from the more melodious orchestra to what sounds like a breakdown, with wailing guitars and sinister chanting. Although there is hope for the future, the current situation is still causing him immense pain.*
"Don't ya think that you need somebody
Don't ya think that you need someone
Everybody needs somebody
You're not the only one
You're not the only one"-
Although earlier he said everyone needs to be alone, now he says everybody needs somebody else. He is desperate for this relationship to work and he wants her to want him and needs her to need him. There is an almost accusatory tone as he warns 'you're not the only one' - he resents the pain that she has caused him.