Bravery, a Cycle on Repeat

I saw a page online today with a quote that really struck me. It is hard to believe in a future, and although I feel brave, I also feel like sometimes I'm not. I'm scared of the future. I'm scared of all the things that can go wrong in the next few weeks or months... and where do I go from here? I have to believe though that because I still keep waking up each day with a glimmer of hope, that means my bravery is here... it's just temporaryily very challenged.

This quote says when this happens to concentrate on the present. Cultivate the little happiness until courage returns, etc. I think I have relived this quote many times over in my life. More times than I can count in 2015. It's hard though to find the beauty in some of these things though without my daughters there to enjoy with me. I don't always have the promise of a good meal, because quite frankly I don't like cooking for just myself. I go for walks and stuff as I can, but even then, the thoughts creep in of how I wish they were with me. Sleeping is okay, because it's during that time I don't have to sit and worry... but each time I wake up, it's with a panic because I realize I'm not dreaming... that this is really life right now. I haven't read a book since I was pregnant with the girls... and I have watched very FEW movies. I haven't watched a single one of the tv shows I watched for years since November 2013, when Mom's health declined quickly leading to her

passing away.

So, I keep trying to stay positive. I try to occupy my mind with thoughts until I see my girls again. I try to imagine life being normal again. Without having people judge me. Without having limitations on seeing my children. Without having to be in a town where I have to question if people have a motive behind speaking to me. I've narrowed down the people I talk to to basically some core friends that have been in my life a very long time and 1 or 2 that seem to have my family's best interests at heart. Anyone else, I remain skeptical of. That's a sad way to live. Especially when you were used to a life where you thought everyone that was kind to you was genuine.

So, I imagine and hold on that the light is nearing. That I'll once again be able to make new friends that are real and don't just want something from me. That I can go places by myself or with my kids without being judged or talked about. That we can heal from this difficult time. That is how I hold on to my bravery. Really though, a smile, hug or kiss from my girls does far more for me than any of the other things. For them, I will stay strong and make it through this.

Don't read this if you aren't my friend, or just like to read my random things. I don't seek your attention or pity. In fact, I wish you would forget about me. I write because it's therapuetic for me. Music is important to me. So why don't you stop, take care of yourself and your own life, and don't take the time to come to my blog if you don't care about me. If you come here to pick apart online, it tells me you are a cruel person. I'm already suffering. You have accomplished

enough. It's time now that you move on so that I can heal. My children deserve that. If you can't see that and respect that, then I feel very sorry for you not being able to see how you hurt others. The good thing is though... that I know no matter what you say or think... I know the real me, and I have people in my life that know the real me. They love me and I them... and perhaps the greatest thing is going forward, I will be far more selective on who I allow to take up any of my precious time in this far too short life.

"There are times when it is hard to believe in the future, when we are temporarily just not brave enough. When this happens, concentrate on the present. Cultivate the little happiness until courage returns. Look forward to the beauty of the next moment, the next hour, the promise of a good meal, sleep, a book, a movie, the likelihood that tonight the stars will shine and tomorrow the sun will shine. Sink roots into the present until the strength grows to think about tomorrow"

Snow Patrol "Set the Fire to the Third Bar"

"I feel this song is about being far from someone you love, in distance and thought. All you have left of them is memory. It's about trying to find a replacement for your true love. You go from bar to bar hoping to meet someone special, ultimately getting frustrated. And when you can't find that same warmth you once had, you try and force it by manufacturing a destructive fire. Subconsciously, you're pretending it's her that you're with. Secretly, your brain is trying to find a way back into her arms. The line, "until exhausted, close our eyelids" is telling about how he wishes he could go back to the naive fun of Shut Your Eyes. It's all very dream-like and surreal. Because it's times like these that the brain will do anything to not have to face the cold reality of being alone. The last part though "until exhausted, close our eyelids," I think that means that they will look for each other until they die."

"I find the map and draw a straight line Over rivers, farms, and state lines The distance from 'here' to where you'd be It's only finger-lengths that I see I touch the place where I'd find your face My fingers in creases of distant dark places I hang my coat up in the first bar There is no peace that I've found so far The laughter penetrates my silence As drunken men find flaws in science Their words mostly noises Ghosts with just voices Your words in my memory Are like music to me [Chorus] I'm miles from where you are I lay down on the cold ground And I pray that something picks me up And sets me down in your warm arms After I have traveled so far We'd set the fire to the third bar We'd share each other like an island Until exhausted, close our eyelids And dreaming, pick up from The last place we left off Your soft skin is weeping A joy you can't keep in [Chorus:Repeat x2]"

#courage #bravery