What I Learned About People.
So..... people that know me well, know that I don't listen to angry music often... if I am... it means I am in a bad mood, and I've been hurt or betrayed or someone has made me extremely mad... Now this is hard in itself to do at all... So, the biggest clue to my friends is if they hear these songs playing ... Ashley is angry. Music is an insight into my soul. Every single person that knows me knows I don't do anger much. If you hear me playing "Break Stuff".... well, it's just one of those days......
You know, when you spend your life trying to help everyone... try to be a reallly good person. You try to do what's best for people. You love with all of your heart, etc. I think that you assume that others are somewhat similar in their thinking as well. Especially people who "love you"; or you have been there for, even taken in to your house if they needed it; and even people you have just done general good for and they know you are going through a horrible time.... you would never think of the stuff people would do. Or at least I never thought it.
Let's see what I've learned about people:
Some people will do anything to save themselves, even if it means lying; cheating; etc... They will sit back and let you take up for them, believing still in the greater good of people and their words, while behind your back making everyone think you are a monster. They will do this knowing you actually are losing everything. Pretty Shitty. Then you have family/friends, etc. that will drop off the face of the Earth. The ones that have spent years telling you how great of a person you are. The ones you let live with you when they had nowhere to go. The people you left a great job for, even taking a pay cut, to come back because you wanted to make a difference and that meant more to you than money... they will after 1.5 yrs of praising you, lie and make you look horrible. The people who hurt you reallly bad?? They will hide behind you and try to make you look like you were guilty for the thing they actually did. The people who claim to be very moral and religious, will judge you more than anyone else. People will feed off of each other, and they will continue to bully you - with no consideration of what it does to you, your family, your future (which includes taking care of your children)...
People will disappoint you. Even those that you have never disappointed.
And some people, will show you there is still some good in the world...
After everything, I come out knowing there are some TRULY AMAZING people out there, but there are way more HORRIBLE people than I ever would have imagined. People that actually thrive off of others pain. People that actually MADE up things, making this already tragic time, harder. I'm pretty sure there is a special place in hell for those people.
I made excuses in my head for people about why they were avoiding me, or hurting me, or how they must have not meant to hurt me... and I have finally realized, if there was any excuse, they would have came to me by now. If you are one of these people, I am here to say, I am disappointed in you. You have made me a different person. You have made me question everything about this life, and how many people are actually genuine. I will come out of this stronger though. I won't make this mistake again. I had some pretty high walls around my heart already... now, I'm scared they will never come down again.
To the men who keep messaging me... I appreciate it if you are really trying to be nice, and are interested... but MOST of you make comments that are not appreciate
d or appropriate especially after what I've gone through. I'm not a whore. Go find someone else to talk to if that's all you want... because I wasn't one to begin with, and if you think the pickup line of "I like your pictures" (which reads to me I like the things stolen and posted online that made you humiliated and cry more tears than you can count) is going to get you anywhere, please... save your breath.
If you are family (and my FLOWER family has been there for me)... but if you are family, and you have stood by as I have literally gone through the hardest time of my life without even caring, picking up the phone, typing on Facebook... then you truly don't know the meaning of family. I had days I didn't get out of bed. Nights I cried so hard my eyes were swollen and I
couldn't sleep. I needed you. You weren't there.
My thanks goes to the people who have stood up for me. The people who know me, know I'm a good person, and stood by me through this. YOU and my daughters are what has gotten me through the saddest time of my life. Thank YOU. I will forever be grateful for you. Including the few I met during this.
I'll post positive music, but since I finally decided that I deserved to feel a little resentment and anger... that is the music I play today. I didn't write the lyrics... and I'm not an angry person. So, the fact that I'm letting a little out is good for me. I have many reasons to of gotten mad, and didn't. In the end, my anger is actually hurt.
Linkin Park "Burn It Down"
"The cycle repeated As explosions broke in the sky All that I needed Was the one thing I couldn't find And you were there at the turn Waiting to let me know We're building it up To break it back down We're building it up To burn it down We can't wait To burn it to the ground The colors conflicted As the flames, climbed into the clouds I wanted to fix this But couldn't stop from tearing it down And you were there at the turn Caught in the burning glow And I was there at the turn Waiting to let you know We're building it up To break it back down We're building it up To burn it down We can't wait To burn it to the ground You told me yes You held me high And I believed when you told that lie I played soldier, you played king And struck me down, when I kissed that ring You lost that right, to hold that crown I built you up, but you let me down So when you fall, I'll take my turn And fan the flames As your blazes burn And you were there at the turn Waiting to let me know We're building it up To break it back down We're building it up To burn it down We can't wait To burn it to the ground When you fall, I'll take my turn And fan the flames As your blazes burn We can't wait To burn it to the ground When you fall, I'll take my turn And fan the flames As your blazes burn We can't wait To burn it to the ground"
Reel Big Fish "Everyone Else Is An Asshole"
"Woahh Wa-ohhh,
Wa-ohhh-ohh-ohh,
Woahh Wa-ohhh,
Wa-ohhh-ohh-ohh,
I tried to be nice
I tried to live my life
But everyone else is an asshole
I tried to forgive
I tried to live and let live
But everyone else is an asshole
And everybody else thinks of no one but themselves
And no one wants to help cause they're all assholes
And every friendly chat is a knife in the back
A sneaky attack waiting to happen
I tried not to mind
I tried to be so kind
But everyone else is an asshole
I tried to let love rule
But I feel like such a fool
Cause everyone else is an asshole
And they're out there even now
Trying to mess me up somehow
But they won't stop me now
Cause they're all assholes
And they're planning while I sleep
And even as we speak
To strike when I am weak
Cause they're all assholes
Everyone else
Everyone else
Everyone else is an asshole
Everyone else
Everyone else
Everyone else is an asshole
It's time to defend
I didn't know I have no friends
Everyone else is an asshole
I've got to get them first
Cause worst has come to worst
Everyone else is an asshole
But they put the blame on me
Pretending not to see
That I just want to be free
From these assholes
But I couldn't take their shit
So I tried to deal with it
And now I look a bit
Like an asshole!
I tried to be niceI tried to live my life
But everyone else is an asshole
I tried to overlook
And I tried to close the book
But everyone else is an asshole
I tried not to talk shit
But I just couldn't help it
Everyone else is an asshole
They called it assault
But it really wasn't my fault
Everyone else is an asshole
Everyone else
Everyone else
Everyone else is an asshole
Everyone else
Everyone else
Everyone else is an asshole
You're an asshole too!
You're an asshole too!
I'm talking bout you
I'm talking bout you
I'm talking bout you, and you, and you
You're an asshole too
I'm talking bout you, and you, and you
You're an asshole too
I'm talking bout you, and you, and you
You're an asshole too"
Reel Big Fish "I Love/You Suck"
"And right away, I knew when I met you
That you were crazed, but I'd never forget you
Well I've seen them come, and I've seen them go as fast
But I knew this nightmare was one that was gonna last
I wanna let you go
I gotta let you go
Why can't I just get over you
You hurt me so bad with all the things you do
And I try so hard, but I can't give it up
I love you so much but I think you suck
I gotta say, I never thought this would be such a mess
Things always change, but this time it changed too much I guess
But I know the truth, even though I lied to myself so well
But this was such a good, good thing, but you took it and you made it hell
I wanna let you go
I gotta let you go
Why can't I just get over you
You hurt me so bad with all the things you do
And I try so hard, but I can't give it up
I love you so much but I think you suck
I know you don't care for me
And I know you're not there for me
I gotta find a way but I don't know how
I gotta cheer up and get myself out
I gotta get away, I gotta get away
You drive me insane and you make me wanna say
I gotta let you go
I wanna let you go
Why can't I just get
I know I gotta get over you
So many little things that I could do
And I've tried, and I've tried, but it's just no use
Now what am I supposed to do?
Why can't I just get over you
You hurt me so bad with all the things you do
And I try so hard, but I can't give it up
I love you so much but I think you suck
I think you suck [x4]"
Limp Bizkit "Break Stuff"
"It's just one of those days Where you don't want to wake up Everything is fucked Everybody sucks You don't really know why But you want to justify Rippin' someone's head off No human contact And if you interact Your life is on contract Your best bet is to stay away motherfucker It's just one of those days It's all about the he-says, she-says bullshit I think you better quit, let the shit slip Or you'll be leaving with a fat lip It's all about the he-says, she-says bullshit I think you better quit, talking that shit Its just one of those days Feeling like a freight train First one to complain Leaves with a bloodstain Damn right I'm a maniac You better watch your back Cause I'm fucking up your program And then your stuck up You just lucked up Next in line to get fucked up Your best bet is to stay away motherfucker It's just one of those days It's all about the he-says, she-says bullshit I think you better quit, let the shit slip Or you'll be leaving with a fat lip It's all about the he-says, she-says bullshit I think you better quit, talking that shit Punk, so come and get it I feel like shit My suggestion, is to keep your distance Cause right now I'm dangerous We've all felt like shit And been treated like shit All those motherfuckers That want to step up I hope you know, I pack a chainsaw I'll skin your ass raw And if my day keeps going this way, I just might Break something tonight I pack a chainsaw I'll skin your ass raw And if my day keeps going this way, I just might Break something tonight I pack a chainsaw I'll skin your ass raw And if my day keeps going this way, I just might Break your fucking face tonight Give me something to break Just give me something to break How bout yer fucking face I hope you know, I pack a chainsaw What! A chainsaw What! A motherfucking chainsaw What! So come and get it It's all about the he-says, she-says bullshit I think you better quit, let the shit slip Or you'll be leaving with a fat lip It's all about the he-says, she-says bullshit I think you better quit, talking that shit Punk, so come and get it"
Linkin Park "In The End"
It starts with one thing I don't know why It doesn't even matter how hard you try Keep that in mind I designed this rhyme To explain in due time All I know Time is a valuable thing Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings Watch it count down to the end of the day The clock ticks life away It's so unreal Didn't look out below Watch the time go right out the window Trying to hold on, but you didn't even know I wasted it all just to watch you go I kept everything inside And even though I tried, it all fell apart What it meant to me Will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard And got so far But in the end It doesn't even matter I had to fall To lose it all But in the end It doesn't even matter One thing, I don't know why It doesn't even matter how hard you try, Keep that in mind I designed this rhyme, To remind myself of a time when I tried so hard In spite of the way you were mocking me Acting like I was part of your property Remembering all the times you fought with me I'm surprised it got so Things aren't the way they were before You wouldn't even recognize me anymore Not that you knew me back then But it all comes back to me in the end I kept everything inside And even though I tried, it all fell apart What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard And got so far But in the end It doesn't even matter I had to fall To lose it all But in the end It doesn't even matter I've put my trust in you Pushed as far as I can go For all this There's only one thing you should know I've put my trust in you Pushed as far as I can go For all this There's only one thing you should know I tried so hard And got so far But in the end It doesn't even matter I had to fall To lose it all But in the end It doesn't even matter"
Reel Big Fish "I Dare You To Break My Heart"
"I feel it coming on, I know there's something wrong. I don't even know you yet But I know what you want to do to me. My latest dream girl, My latest nightmare. Could this be the start of another, Long, long, hateful love-affair? I gotta tell you now, I just cannot allow, Anyone else inside my head, You know I'd rather just drop dead. Well have cried, As much as I can cry. So just give it a try. And I have bled, As much as I can bleed. No one can hurt me anymore. So I dare you to break my heart, Come on and give it your best shot. Baby, I dare you to break my heart, It's gonna take more than you got. Woah yeah, so go ahead and try to break my heart. Cause I've been working hard this time, Just getting it hard for you. I dare you. Hey, now I think you're great. And, maybe we could date? We could go out drinking, Have ourselves a beer and stay out late. But I got a heart of stone, Covered by brick and bone. If you think you're gonna get close to it, Well I think you better just get gone. Don't try to tame me now, You'll never slow me down. I'm just gonna get up, Gonna get right back up and get around. Well I have bled, As much as I can bleed. You'll see what I mean. And I have cried, As much as I can cry. No one can hurt me anymore. And so I dare you to break my heart, Come on and give it your best shot. Baby, I dare you to break my heart, It's gonna take more than you got. Woah yeah, so go ahead and try to break my heart. Cause I've been working hard this time, Just getting it hard for you. I dare you. Woah yeah! The harder that you try, The harder you fail. The river that you cry, Is where I'm gonna, Woah set sail! Come on, break it! When all is said and done, And we have had our fun. You won't have your chains on me, You won't claim me as your only one. I've got one thing to say, As I push you far away. Do you think someone like you, Could make someone like me love you anyway? The most important thing, That I have ever learnt. Is if you're not doing the hurting, You're the one who's getting hurt. Woah yeah. Well I have cried, As much as I can cry. Just give it a try. And I have bled, As much as I can bleed, baby. No one can hurt me anymore. And so I dare you to break my heart, Come on and give it your best shot. Baby, I dare you to break my heart, It's gonna take more than you got. Oh yeah, I dare you to break my heart, Come on and give it your best shot. Baby, I dare you to break my heart, It's gonna take more than you got. Woah yeah, so go ahead and try to break my heart. Cause I've been working hard this time, And I've been working hard this time, Yeah, I've been working hard this time, Just getting it hard for, Getting it hard for, Getting it hard for you. I dare you."
Reel Big Fish "P.S. I Hate You"
Well our story starts, like a lot of them do A boy meets a girl, and he thinks she's so cool But then it all turns into a horrible mess It's true, it's all true Well when we first met, If I only known I would have run for my life, I would have left you alone You're evil, and vicious, and cruel, and cold. That's you, that's you You're a wicked witch I wasted my time with P.S. I hate you I'm finally leaving you today P.S. I hate you And if you think I'll ever come back P.S. I hate you I've got just one more thing to say, "P.S. I hate you" Well you beat me up, mentally And you killed my dreams, metaphorically You broke my spirit, quite literally It's true, it's true Well it's all your fault, so remember that You stole my heart, but now I'm taking it back I want a whole new life, and I'll start it right now Without you, without you! You're an evil witch I wasted my time with, P.S. I hate you I'm finally leaving you today P.S. I hate you And if you think I'll ever come back P.S. I hate you I've got just one more thing to say, "P.S. I hate you" The joke is on you baby, you're just a psycho crazy And now you're on your own! And all my time you've taken, and all my life you've wasted, Now you're on your own! You always wanted to control me You always wanted it your way But I'm so tired of being your prisoner I'm finally making my escape You're an evil bitch I wasted my life with P.S. I hate you I'm finally leaving you today P.S. I hate you I'm on my way to starting a new life P.S. I hate you I've got just one last thing to say P.S. I hate you, P.S. I hate you, P.S. I hate you!"
Linkin Park - "Waiting On The End"
"This is not the end This is not the beginning, Just a voice like a riot Rocking every revision But you listen to the tone And the violent rhythm And though the words sound steady Something empty's within 'em We say Yeah! With fists flying up in the air Like we're holding onto something That's invisible there, 'Cause we're living at the mercy of The pain and the fear Until we get, forget it, Let it all disappear. Waiting for the end to come Wishing I had strength to stand This is not what I had planned It's out of my control Flying at the speed of light Thoughts we're spinning in my head So many things were left unsaid It's hard to let you go (Oh) I know what it takes to move on, I know how it feels to lie, All I wanna do Is trade this life for something new Holding on to what I haven't got Sitting in an empty room Trying to forget the past This was never meant to last, I wish it wasn't so (Oh) I know what it takes to move on, I know how it feels to lie, All I wanna do Is trade this life for something new Holding on to what I haven't got Yeah, yeah What was left when that fire was gone? I thought it felt right but that right was wrong All caught up in the eye of the storm And trying to figure out what it's like moving on And I don't even know what kind of things I've said My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead So, picking up the pieces, now where to begin? The hardest part of ending is starting again! All I wanna do Is trade this life for something new Holding on to what I haven't got This is not the end This is not the beginning, Just a voice like a riot Rocking every revision But you listen to the tone And the violent rhythm Though the words sound steady Something empty's within 'em (Holding on to what I haven't got) We say Yeah! With fists flying up in the air Like we're holding onto something That's invisible there, 'Cause we're living at the mercy of The pain and the fear Until we get it, forget it, Let it all disappear (Holding on to what I haven't got!)"
Reel Big Fish "I Know You Too Well To Like You Anymore"
"I know you too well to like you anymore I know you too well to like you anymore There's a nightmare where my dream girl was My prince charming is a bore And I know you too well and I don't like you anymore When we first started, even if you farted, I'd laugh and ask for more. And in the beginning we always were grinning, we didn't know what we were smiling for. We'd hold hands and then break dance, or rap like Dr. Dre. And side by side, we'd drink all night, disgusting all our friends with our PDA. You felt so good deep in my heart, and that's for sure. But now I feel sick when I'm around you. It hurts my head to think of how I know you too well to like you anymore I know you too well to like you anymore I'm stuck with someone I can't stand I can't stand you even more And I know you too well and I don't like you anymore I hate the way you always say you could find somebody else. And you've got me on such a tight leash that I'm starting to strangle myself. You criticize, I know that I'll never be what you want me to be. When you used to be such a sight for sore eyes, but now looking at you is like a knife in me. Your heart is filled with daggers Your kiss is like razor blades You'd rather stroke that champagne bottle I'll toss you a hand grenade! I know you too well to like you anymore I know you too well to like you anymore You're mean and you're unfriendly Well you're an attention whore And I know you too well and I don't like you But I love you. Please stay. No one makes me more miserable so please don't go away. 'Cause I need you always. I'll never be able to forget you. I wish that I had never met you! How did this all get so ugly, you became so strange. You're always coiled back, ready to attack. Your lips curled over your vampire fangs. They say be careful what you wish for, it just might come your way. Well, I dreamed about you baby, but now I'm dreaming of my escape. I knew you were a bad idea, but I had to have you anyway. Now of all my worst mistakes this one is hear to stay! You're a son of a bitch, you know that? I know you too well to like you anymore I know you too well to like you anymore There's a nightmare where my dream girl was My prince charming is a bore And I know you too well and I don't like you I know you too well to like you anymore I know you too well to like you anymore I'm stuck with someone I can't stand I can't stand you even more And I know you too well and I don't like you You're a slut You're a dick You're a whore You're a prick You make me fucking sick You've got no tits Well, you're a needle dick I'm so sick of your shit Well you're a hag And you're a drag You drive me fucking mad Well I wish you'd go to hell But I love you Oh well..."
Reel Big Fish "Another F U Song"
"Hey kids, it's time to use the "F" word
Fuck fuck fuck fuck......
Living
Fuck dieing,
Fuck laughing
Fuck crying
Fuck this song,
But mostly fuck You
Fuck love, hate and friends
Fuck following trends,
Fuck this song,
Can't wait till it ends.
Fuck everything,
But fuck you the most
Fuck everyone
But fuck you the most,
With a big rusty pole or a splintery post
Fuck you the most, fuck you
Fuck old school
Fuck new school
Fuck not cool
Fuck too cool
Fuck hip and ironically lame
Fuck giving advice
Fuck trying to be nice
Fuck you and you know who you are
Fuck everything,
But fuck you the most
Fuck everyone
But fuck you the most,
With a big rusty pole or a splintery post
Yeah, fuck you the most, fuck you"
Eminem "No Love"
Lily Allen "F&ck You"
Adele "Rolling In The Deep"
"There's a fire starting in my heart Reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark Finally I can see you crystal clear Go 'head and sell me out and I'll lay your ship bare See how I leave with every piece of you Don't underestimate the things that I will do There's a fire starting in my heart Reaching a fever pitch and its bringing me out the dark The scars of your love remind me of us They keep me thinking that we almost had it all The scars of your love they leave me breathless, I can't help feeling We could have had it all (You're gonna wish you never had met me) Rolling in the deep (Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep) You had my heart inside of your hand (You're gonna wish you never had met me) And you played it to the beat (Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep) Baby I have no story to be told But I've heard one on you and I'm gonna make your head burn Think of me in the depths of your despair Making a home down there 'cause mine sure won't be shared The scars of your love remind me of us (You're gonna wish you never had met me) They keep me thinking that we almost had it all (Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep) The scars of your love they leave me breathless, I can't help feeling We could have had it all (You're gonna wish you never had met me) Rolling in the deep (Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep) You had my heart inside of your hand (You're gonna wish you never had met me) And you played it to the beat (Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep) We could've had it all Rolling in the deep You had my heart inside your hand But you played it with a beating Throw your soul through every open door Count your blessings to find what you look for Turned my sorrow into treasured gold You pay me back in kind and reap just what you sow (You're gonna wish you never had met me) We could've had it all We could've had it all (Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep) It all, it all, it all, (You're gonna wish you never had met me) We could have had it all (You're gonna wish you never had met me) Rolling in the deep (Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep) You had my heart inside of your hand (You're gonna wish you never had met me) And you played it to the beat (Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep) We could've had it all (You're gonna wish you never had met me) Rolling in the deep (Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep) You had my heart inside your hand (You're gonna wish you never had met me) But you played it, you played it, you played it, you played it To the beat"
Godsmack - "Whatever"
Eminem "The Way I Am"
"Whatever Dre just let it run Ey yo turn the beat up a little bit Ey yo this song is for anyone Fuck it just shut up and listen Ey yo I sit back, with this pack, of zigzags And this bag, of this weed It gives me, the shit needed to be, the most meanest MC on this On this earth 'cause since birth I've been cursed with this curse to just curse And just blurt this berserk and bizarre shit that works And it sells and it helps in its self to relieve All this tension dispensing me, sentence is getting it The stress has been eating me, recently Off of this chest and I rest to get peacefully But at least have the decency in you to leave me alone When you freaks see me out in the streets When I'm eating or feeding my daughter to not come and speak to me I don't know you and no I don't owe you a motherfuckin' thing I'm not Mr.'N Sync and I'm not what your friends think I'm not Mr.Friendly, I can be a prick, if you tempt me my tank is on empty No patience is in me and if you offend me I'm lifting you ten feet In the air, I don't care who was there and who saw me just jaw you Go call you a lawyer File you a lawsuit, I'll smile in the courtroom and buy you a wardrobe I'm tired of all you I don't mean to be mean but it's all I can be, it's just me And I am, whatever you say I am If I wasn't, then why would I say I am? In the papers, the news, everyday I am Radio won't even play my jam 'Cause I am, whatever you say I am If I wasn't, then why would I say I am? In the papers, the news, everyday I am I don't know it's just the way I am Sometimes I just feel like my father, I hate to be bothered With all of this nonsense it's constant, and "oh it's his lyrical content!" The song "Guilty Conscience" has gotten such rotten responses And all of this controversy circles me and it seems Like the media immediately points a finger at me So I point one back at 'em, but not the index or the pinky Or the ring or the thumb, it's the one you put up when you don't give a fuck When you won't just put up with the bullshit they pull 'Cause they full of shit too When a dude's gettin' bullied and shoots up his school And they blame it on Marilyn And the heroin, where were the parents at? And look at where it's at Middle America, now it's a tragedy, now it's so sad to see An upper class city having this happening Then attack Eminem 'cause I rap this way But I'm glad 'cause they feed me the fuel That I need for the fire to burn and it's burnin' and I have returned And I am, whatever you say I am If I wasn't, then why would I say I am? In the papers, the news, everyday I am Radio won't even play my jam 'Cause I am, whatever you say I am If I wasn't, then why would I say I am? In the papers, the news, everyday I am I don't know it's just the way I am I'm so sick and tired of being admired That I wish that I would just die or get fired And drop from my label and stop with the fables I'm not gonna be able to top on "My name is" And pigeon holdin' to some poppy sensations They cop me rotation at rock 'n' roll stations And I just do not got the patience To deal with these cocky Caucasians Who think I'm some wigga who just tries to be black 'Cause I talk with an accent and grab on my balls So they always keep asking the same fucking questions What school did I go to, what hood I grew up in, the why, the who, what When and where and the how, 'til I'm grabbing my hair and I'm tearing it out You've been driving me crazy I can't take it, I'm racing, I'm pacing, I stand and I sit And I'm thankful for every fan that I get, but I can't take a shit In the bathroom without someone standing by it No I won't sign your autograph, you can call me an asshole, I'm glad 'Cause I am, whatever you say I am If I wasn't, then why would I say I am? In the papers, the news, everyday I am Radio won't even play my jam 'Cause I am, whatever you say I am If I wasn't, then why would I say I am? In the papers, the news, everyday I am I don't know it's just the way I am"