Move Along Just To Make It Through
I have kept my entries pretty vague...sticking to music that has reason in my life, or that the words speak to my heart currently, or even in the past. Everyone who has known me for a lifetime, knows that I'm unique, I'm an eclectic person. I might be a bit stubborn, but I use it for good. Almost every decision in life has been because of love and passion - not just for people, but for life in general.
I'm not one to play victim, and I'm not now. I am surviving. Each day that I push forward towards a future - is me not being a victim. However, just because I'm not playing victim doesn't mean there isn't a story and depth behind what I've been through, am going through, and am facing to rebuild. Those who never knew me before, knew how I've been portrayed is very inaccurate. However, those who didn't - believe what I had been painted out to be.
First, let me say that since I was born and even when my children were born, my life has been chaos. Not just normal chaos, but life has literally thrown enough at me to be named after a hurricane.
My mother came down, and she was fragile and frail. She was desperate for me to come home to WV with her. I was on maternity leave, and the thought of leaving Florida was devastating. The thought of not being with her was unbearable. Between breastfeeding, pumping, and laying crying and grieving Florida which I knew I'd end up choosing to be with Mom because something in my gut said something was wrong.... I was drained.
We got back to WV, and I had given up a job that I LOVED. I loved it with a passion, and I really truly enjoyed the people I worked with, and loved that I worked for an organization that helped others. I never thought I'd find work like that again - work that you don't hate... and somehow I found it. I found a group of women that worked for me that seemed to truly care about me, and I got to thrive in teaching others. I love sharing knowledge.
Meanwhile, at home, my Mother began declining in health. They kept diagnosing her with pneumonia. My marriage was back to where it was before I became pregnant, and I just didn't have enough in me to divorce him while my Mom was dying before my eyes. He was even cruel to my Mom. She cried a lot because of him, even more than I realized.
In the mean time, I got a Grade 11/12 Job at The Fiscal Service, first attempt, and battling within myself, knowing I was going to leave Harold and had two girls to support, I gave my notice, and ended up leaving the City. During his time, Mom was in and out of the hospital, and she kept telling me she really liked my staff, my office, and that she knew I was like her - money didn't mean as much as happiness. Working somewhere I could make a difference made me happy. So, I decided to go back, and became the Finance Director.
Mom passed away, my girls were 8 months old. Two weeks later there was a huge fight in which I won't get into the details of other than I didn't fight back, it was 14 days after my Mom died. I was lucky to be functionining. The loss of her is something I still struggle with. It was during this time - her being in the hospital and dying and this event - that I knew I couldn't live like that. She died never knowing true happiness and love. She wouldn't want it for my children and I. I made her a promise before she died I'd find happiness like she had deserved.
I kept busy, and put all of my effort into my kids and my work. I am passionate about my work. I'm a perfectionist. You can only fix so many things at once... I was thrown into a mess. However, I did a good job at getting the ball rolling and one by one, making a difference. Meanwhile, things at home got horrible, and after a short trip back to Florida to think things through, things got very bad. I had kept many things private because it embarrassed me, but I finally reached out to others for help to find a place to move to get my kids out of the situation.
Over the next 5 months, things with him were volatile. I was pretty much a single mother. I took them on vacation to Florida again in November. December things got crazy. and January the world came crashing.
I lost within just days, everything. I was still grieving my mother, grieving Florida, grieving my friends/employees, grieving someone else, grieving my reputation, and could see myself being pushed out of work. I saw my images flashed everywhere online....which was devastating. Some might not think so... or might say naive things like "shouldn't have sent them".... Well, I am already insecure. I had lost weight over a year and a half of HARD work, had twins, lost weight again, and still see myself as that person. I never identified myself with my looks. I identified myself with my character; my courage; my kindness; my intelligence; my drive..... and ALL of those things were attacked. Lies were told. I was made to be a monster. My privacy no longer existed at all. I was being recognized as everything that is opposite of what I was and on top of that - my body, that I've spent my life ashamed of, to this day is online to be mocked.
This past year has been one of the hardest of my life. Especially because I went through it all with almost noone to trust. Noone who would speak to me. Just a handful of people whom would get worried because they would go weeks without hearing from me because I couldn't bare to hear the sadness or anger in their voices about what all was going on.
To those who say move on..... That's what I'm trying to do. However, in order to do so, I have a few things I have to overcome. The most important thing is getting things settled with my children...and then going from there.
The betrayal of people I loved; the lonliness and quiet I faced alone for so long; the judgemental comments and looks from people who have no idea that I'm actually one of the kindest and thoughtful people there are; it has been traumatizing. Every facet of my life has been traumatizing for the past few years. Even now, as I try to divorce my ex, I relive the nightmare my mom lived with her ex trying to get divorced.
Perhaps, instead of assuming that I can just forget it and move on... someone should think about exactly what all I've been through this past year... and the things that I need to have resolved to successfully move on and rebuild for my children... THEN speak. Don't speak and think and assume this is something I can simply push a button and "Voila!" Things are better. I'm doing this, as best as I can. And for as much as I've faced in my life, I can assume that the fact I'm hanging in here and still looking at a postiive future for my children and I, means that I am stronger than I feel. I feel weak... but I have a feeling my fire still burns inside.
This struggle has been hard. In your absence this year, you haven't seen me cry so hard for 8 hours all night, only to have bags under my eyes that I couldn't disguise. You didn't see me lay in bed not even wanting to open my eyes and think about it. You didn't know that I still wake up and feel my heart jolt - realizing it's not a bad dream - it's real. You don't know that I sit and think that everything I've done that made Mom so proud of me, and it makes me feel horrible because I haven't even been allowed to speak up for myself.
I'm human. I make mistakes. I love passionately. I take care of others. And I'm insecure in some ways, and secure in others. You weren't here to know what all has happened. So I ask you, please take that into consieration when offering your sometimes unsolicitied advice. You don't know what I was going through before all of this even happened. Most of all, don't believe everything you hear, read, see on tv, or hear via gossip. Ask someone who knows me. Get to know me yourself. Perhaps you will re-think your judgements.
All-American Rejects - "Move Along"
"Go ahead as you waste your days with thinking When you fall, everyone stands Another day, and you've had your fill of sinking With the life held in your Hands are shaking cold These hands are meant to hold Speak to me When all you got to keep is strong Move along, move along like I know you do And even when your hope is gone Move along, move along just to make it through Move along Move along So a day when you've lost yourself completely Could be a night when your life ends Such a heart that will lead you to deceiving All the pain held in your Hands are shaking cold Your hands are mine to hold Speak to me When all you got to keep is strong Move along, move along like I know you do And even when your hope is gone Move along, move along just to make it through Move along (Go on, go on, go on, go on) When everything is wrong, we move along (Go on, go on, go on, go on) When everything is wrong, we move along Along, along, along, along When all you got to keep is strong Move along, move along like I know you do And even when your hope is gone Move along, move along just to make it through When all you got to keep is strong Move along, move along like I know you do And even when your hope is gone Move along, move along just to make it through When all you got to keep is strong Move along, move along like I know you do (Know you do) And even when your hope is gone Move along, move along just to make it through (Move along) (Go on, go on, go on, go on) Right back what is wrong We move along (Go on, go on, go on, go on) Right back what is wrong We move along (Go on, go on, go on, go on) Right back what is wrong We move along (Go on, go on, go on, go on) Right back what is wrong We move along"
The Beatles - "Let It Be"
"When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me Speaking words of wisdom, let it be And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me Speaking words of wisdom, let it be Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be Whisper words of wisdom, let it be And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree There will be an answer, let it be For though they may be parted, there is still a chance that they will see There will be an answer, let it be Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be There will be an answer, let it be Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be Whisper words of wisdom, let it be Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be Whisper words of wisdom, let it be And when the night is cloudy there is still a light that shines on me Shine until tomorrow, let it be I wake up to the sound of music, Mother Mary comes to me Speaking words of wisdom, let it be Let it be, let it be, let it be, yeah, let it be There will be an answer, let it be Let it be, let it be, let it be, yeah, let it be Whisper words of wisdom, let it be"
Sarah Bareiles - "Brave"
"You can be amazing You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug You can be the outcast Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love Or you can start speaking up Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do And they settle ‘neath your skin Kept on the inside and no sunlight Sometimes a shadow wins But I wonder what would happen if you Say what you wanna say And let the words fall out Honestly I wanna see you be brave With what you want to say And let the words fall out Honestly I wanna see you be brave I just wanna see you I just wanna see you I just wanna see you I wanna see you be brave I just wanna see you I just wanna see you I just wanna see you I wanna see you be brave Everybody’s been there, everybody’s been stared down By the enemy Fallen for the fear and done some disappearing Bow down to the mighty Don’t run, stop holding your tongue Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live Maybe one of these days you can let the light in Show me how big your brave is Say what you wanna say And let the words fall out Honestly I wanna see you be brave With what you want to say And let the words fall out Honestly I wanna see you be brave Innocence, your history of silence Won’t do you any good Did you think it would? Let your words be anything but empty Why don’t you tell them the truth? Say what you wanna say And let the words fall out Honestly I wanna see you be brave With what you want to say And let the words fall out Honestly I wanna see you be brave I just wanna see you I just wanna see you I just wanna see you I wanna see you be brave I just wanna see you I just wanna see you I just wanna see you See you be brave I just wanna see you I just wanna see you I just wanna see you I just wanna see you I just wanna see you I just wanna see you"
Israel "IZ" Kamakawiwoʻole's- "Somewhere Over the Rainbow"
"Oooo, oooooo,ooooo,ooooooo oooo,oooo Ooooo,oooo,oooo Oooooo,ooooo,ooooo,ooo, oooo,oooo,ooo Somewhere over the rainbow Way up high And the dreams that you dream of Once in a lullaby Oh, somewhere over the rainbow Blue birds fly And the dreams that you dream of Dreams really do come true Someday I'll wish upon a star Wake up where the clouds are far behind....me Where trouble melts like lemon drops High above the chimney tops That's where you'll find me Oh, Somewhere over the rainbow Blue birds fly And the dream that you dare to Why oh why can't I Well I see trees of green And red roses too I watch them bloom for me and you And I think to myself What a wonderful world Well I see skies of blue And I see clouds of white And the brightness of day I like the dark And I think to myself What a wonderful world The colors of the rainbow So pretty in the sky Are also on the faces of people passing by See friends shakin hands saying 'How do you do?' They're really sayin,'I, I love you." I hear babies cryin And are lost in hope They'll know much more than we'll ever know And I think to myself What a wonderful world Oh, someday I'll wish upon a star Wake up where the clouds are far behind me Where trouble melts like lemon drops High above the chimney tops That's where you'll find me Oh, somewhere over the rainbow Way up high And the dreams that you dare to Why oh why can't I...I Ooooo,oooo,ooooo,ooooo,oooo,oooo......"
Armin Van Buuren - "Strong Ones"
I've been calling I've got endless reasons Wait now, hold on Say you still believe we run straight through fire But we can do better We can do better Save our lost time Cause we can do better We can do better Cause all that we need Is a second to hold on Cause we are the strong ones All that we need Is a reason to fight on Cause we are the strong ones Yeah we are the strong ones We are the strong ones We are the strong ones We are the strong ones We are the strong ones
Don't think Don't speak Let's just sit in silence Every heart beat Makes it feel just like we Run straight through fire But we can do better We can do better Save our lost time Cause we can do better Cause all that we need Is a second to hold on Cause we are the strong ones All that we need Is a reason to fight on Cause we are the strong ones We are the strong ones We are the strong ones Is a reason to fight on Cause we are the strong ones We are the strong ones We are the strong ones"